Bute FC Match Reports
*The views and opinions expressed in match reports are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Bute Medical Society or the University of St Andrews.
Bute Fc 3 - 0 Sportsfriends
Bute FC 3 - 0 McIntosh Minatours
Bute FC 1 - 2 Sports Friends
Bute FC 2 - 0 Cowin
Bute FC 3 - 2 Atholl
Bute FC 4 - 0 South Street Spartans
Bute FC 1 - 1 McIntosh Minotaurs
Bute FC 1 - 0 Cowin
Bute FC 3 - 1 Atholl
Bute FC 2 - 0 South Street Spartans
Most Recent: NAMS 2016
When a manager and captain of titan stature meet there can be conflict, or there can be magic. Here lies the product of their combined creativity. Animesh and I present to you:
18.03.16 - The eve of battle
The Chariots rolled in and we had arrived in Liverpool at the break of noon, no one had been stabbed yet. The 20 man shag pad was a perfect venue for our team of champions. Of course we were not ones to break St andrews oldest tradition, so we cracked open the bevvies ready for the pre NAMS night out. Our manager had also obtained 3 players on loan from Durham university who provided much entertainment with their incompetence. First came the feast, Pizza express. I had the spicy pizza and later I experienced what I can only describe as chilli chocolate rain. Some insider knowledge from SCOUSE (Ben Brennan-Doyle) lead us on a path to the 'hot' place in town. Little did we know in 'Heebie Jeebies' we were actually required to pay in gold bars, dragons eggs, the blood of a virgin, and Osama Bin Laden’s right toe. SCOUSE had failed us. Nonetheless we still got our drank on. Although the ZOOLANDER (Elliott) had to go home to exfoliate and catch a good beauty sleep for FS2017. We ventured away from the watering hole of the common folk of NAMS and found our spot for the eve upon the dance-floor in the “Land of many flavoured Vodka”. All in all, solid night out.
7am. A scottish man, an indian man and a jew walk into the house. While this did happen, this was not a day for jokes apart from the organisation of this whole tournament. The 2nd B of the Air BnB stands for Battle, and that is what we marched towards. After some expert training drills that would probably give Bayern Munich a wet dream, the team was ready, we were prepared to claw for every inch towards victory, we would take no prisoners... only trophies. It took our saviour, our manager to make us realise that we were not only fighting for our lives or for Bute Fc, but for immortality.
9:50am Bute Fc vs Nottingham 1s
When they actually made us do linesman duty we knew these guys would take it way too seriously. Clearly they don't know NAMS isn't about the football. Nevertheless, we humoured them and their naivety and provided them a masterclass in defensive football. They could not break down our organised and inebriated back 4. We emerged from the game with our maiden point and a clean sheet. A valuable point against arguably the groups most highly ranked team. We were unstoppable. Nearly.
10:16am Bute Fc vs Hull
The organisers knew we would be unbeatable given a rest, so they threw us back into the fray of the battle without allowing a moments respite. Not long had the final whistle been blown on the last game before the first was on this. We matched up against a side also wearing orange. They had not heard our reputation and the colour we have made our own. We had heard of Hull, what we have heard is not good. We saw the sparkle in their eyes. This park on the outskirts of Liverpool seemed like a palace compared to the place they call their home. We allowed the boys from ‘Ull to wear their native orange whilst we donned bibs of fluorescent yellow. Our captain met in the centre circle with theirs, he attempted a Scottish accent…it was not good. What had Hull done to break these men? Their humour has gone and their spirit dampened. The game was close, overshadowed by our enormous pity for them. We knew it would break their hearts not to win, so we allowed them to score from a corner so as not to allow thoughts of match fixing. Our pride remained and we marched on to a narrow 1-0 defeat.
11:05am Bute Fc vs RUMS
You may be asking yourself, what does RUMS stand for? Well we asked them and they didn’t know either. Google tells us it stands for Royal Free, University College and Middlesex Medical Students Society. Not sure thats how an acronym works, but to each their own. These men adopted an attitude similar to ours. They arrived late despite being full of merriment, and were handed an automatic forfeit in their opening game. Despite this they “played” the remainder of their allotted time with several of their number wearing masks, jeans, capes and their goalkeeper making business calls from his area. Did I mention they brought flares?
We expected a similar level of hilarity in our game. However it was our entourage who provided the first notable moment with a fan wandering onto the pitch and chasing the ball. The game was halted, and he escorted off by what looked to be his carer. Upon its resumption a long ball from their goalkeeper fell to the feet of one of our CB pairing. The burning sun in his eyes, or a passing UFO distracted him and the ball was stolen from him leaving the striker through on goal. A good save was forced from our captain but the rebound was collected and finished by our opposition. We were shocked, we had not expected this. The RUMS faithful rushed onto the field in their capes and masks, swarming the players in celebration.
A golden chance came our way only a few minutes later, still in the first half. A free kick from near the halfway line ballooned over the opposition defence and found two of our attackers inside the box and with no one around them. The ball fell to the man we would all wish it to, and Mark took one touch to control and hit the ball on the half volley. It soared upwards from his foot…and over the bar…way over the bar. He looked around in dismay hearing the groans of his companions and could still not see an opposition he had that much time. Would we rue this grave grave error?
Nearing the end of the first half, the RUMS goalkeeper took a free kick from just outside the left edge of his box. With week and feeble legs his kick did not reach half way and was headed down…and into the path of Mark. He lifted the bouncing ball high and over the retreating goalkeepers head, he turned away, not needing to see the ball hit the net. It was in. His shirt was off. He Gigg’sed it all the way to our fans. The rest of the team followed creating a mob of orange around him. The champagne was popped, the liquid of our homeland punctuating this moment of magic, drenching our hero. We had overcome the odds, we had beaten statistics. We had scored.
The rest of the game was not without drama, and our goalkeeper was forced into several one on one saves to keep the game level. Neither team could gain the crucial advantage and claim all 3 points. It finished 1-1.
11:55am Bute Fc vs Liverpool 2s
We had just seen RUMS beaten 2-1 by ‘Ull in what would destroy any remaining chances of our progress from the group. The goal from RUMS had sparked the belief of a comeback and ensued Poznan like celebrations between members of RUMS and Bute Fc united. The flares billowed smoke into the skies and feet pounded the turf in unison.
What was left was an exhibition game. Just the previous year this very opposition had but 5+ goals past us in a humiliating final game of our tournament. It seemed fitting that this fixture was replayed. However the outcome was much different. We were by far the better team, with more possession, more chances, and at times more players. Liverpools 2nd string of players had chances, most blocked or subbed out, with only few needing saves from the Bute number 1.
The whistle was blown, giving us another NAMS clean sheet to notch on the bedpost. We were going home without the physical trophy, but we still win the metaphorical trophy for being everyone’s favourite team#littleunibigtackles
W0 D3 L1 GA2 GF1 - 3 Points
After one of our most successful NAMS in a half decade, a greasy burger/hot dog and the damning feeling after we found out the girls from Beaut Fc had actually scored more goals than us, we headed back to HQ to regenerate our life force. White t-shirts and White tails were donned to complete our transformation and we called upon the spirit of the Arctic fox ( some however were more enthusiastic than others and decided to wear eyeliner. Thus we saw the birth of Caitlin Bastekin). The start of our journey was Walkabout but we would all have our own final destination. As always all other bell ends from other universities had not adhered to the dress code.
-Ryad leaving Bute Fc and acting like he was part of the sheffield medics (Unfortunately he did not stay with them)
-Fanny (Kenan) having a beer and having to go home before the sun had set
-Kenan McGregor getting rowdy with some locals
-Animesh proving he truly is immortal and taking a 45 minute walk at 4am through the alleys of liverpool back to Bute Fc base
-Aaron ( Masterdebater ) tonguing a lucky Beaut Fc member
-The still anonymous individual who had taken a shit in their underwear and left them in the room
Player of the Tournament: Mark Mcguigan
Goal of the Tournament: Mark Mcguigan
Miss of the Tournament: Mark Mcguigan
Dick of the Tournament: Ajay Shah
Tournament Wildcard entry: Guy Rowson
Manager of the Tournament: Animesh Kanitkar
Bute Fc is a team that believes in honour, respect and justice. It had come to our attention that crimes had been committed amongst our very own teammates. We had to blow smoke down the snakehole and catch those who truly had a forked tongue. However our Captain had no intention of ruling a totalitarian team and so he granted everyone the right to a fair trial. Each member was awarded the right to choose their defendant while the prosecutor would choose the punishment. Final decisions were made by the justice committee, comprising of judge (captain) and executioner (Sam). Lady Justice may be blinded, yet she sees all through out Bute Fc.
1. FIREMAN - taking a nap within 5 minutes of arrival and not building the hype - GUILTY —> sleep on the floor
2. FIREMAN - wearing entirely St Andrews clothing in an attempt to get jumped - NOT GUILTY merely providing work to Bangladeshi children
3. SEVERUS - Knocking 2 cups of perfectly good beer over table cloth in an over excited beer pong victory state (in which he had been carried) - PLEAD GUILTY —> Two cups of beer
4. CHOW - Overly defensive of a bed - GUILTY —> naked run down the street
5. JUDAS - Wearing a shit beanie
6. PAMPERS - For bringing a single pair of boxers and leaking fluids into them - GUILTY —> wear this pair of boxers as a hat for the entirety of pre’s
7. SNOOP LION - For ruining a winning opportunity vs Liverpool
8. SCOUSE - Taking us to the most expensive clubs in Liverpool - GUILTY —> buy two of the most expensive drink on the menu
9. TOES and ANAL - For not cleaning up and leaving it to JUDAS and MASTER-DEBATER - GUILTY —> clean the next morning
10. TILT JR for talking a big game and failing to deliver again + for screwing up costumes - GUILTY —> he and his defence shall wear eyeliner and mascara on the night out
11. ZOOLANDER shortest stint at a rave in history - NOT GUILTY
12. GALEN for leaving CHOW at the pitches - NOT GUILTY
13. WEASLEY AND CRUTCHES - Not cleaning living room leaving BEANS to do it alone - GUILTY —> sleep in the living room
14. SHAGGER - ALL RECORDS SEALED - GUILTY —> PUNISHMENT MET THE CRIME
Having heard the charges and their fates sealed, each punishment was observed whilst the BEAUT FC were banished to the kitchen and received no hospitality until the court had concluded. However, there is but one charge that slipped through the cracks, and shall now be heard at the next convening of our mighty justice system:
TILT JR - Racist in taxi
Await your punishment.
Sadly we could not bring NAMS home. But through this we grow stronger, the bonds of our brotherhood grow ever more unbreakable. The captain, our leader, gave us everything to fight for, he said to us "it is an honour to end my NAMS career by your side" to which i responded "it is an honour to have lived it by yours". Our voices and the voices of our forefathers will echo throughout NAMS history and in the minds of our adversaries, without a shadow of doubt, they will know the answer to "Who are we?"